hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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