I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
