I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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