Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
