I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
