Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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