I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
