every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
