it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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