I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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