tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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