dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
