he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
