i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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