Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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