Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
