Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
