So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
