Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
