WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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