then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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