when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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