I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
