she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
