4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
