Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
