so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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