she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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