some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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