He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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