I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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