if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
