I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize