I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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