pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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