so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
