we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
