We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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