i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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