Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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