He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
