No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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