Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
