I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
