I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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