perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize