apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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