And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
