I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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