went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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