It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
