I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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