You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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