totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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