Don't you send me to vm
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
