Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
