I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
