I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
what day is it and did you see me today?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
