The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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