i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
