I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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