So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
even my farts smell like vagina
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
