I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
